How Long, O Lord?

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As an immigrant, the simple act of reading a book feels like climbing a mountain. Words in a foreign language, the struggle to find the right book, it all adds up. So, my mind often finds its nourishment in the sermons at church.

Last Sunday, a sermon pierced through my soul, leaving me shaken and introspective. The pastor spoke of Joshua's conquest of Jericho, but it was a verse from Numbers 14:11 that struck me with the force of a thunderbolt: "And the Lord said to Moses, 'How long will this people despise me? And how long will they not believe in me, in spite of all the signs that I have done among them?'"

I've been a churchgoer my whole life, a believer in name. But as I listened, a chilling realization dawned on me: I had been living as if I didn't truly believe. And God's words were clear – this was an act of contempt. The phrase "how long" echoed in my mind. It wasn't just a question; it was a lament, a heartbroken plea. It spoke of God's perfect memory, His awareness of every moment of doubt, every act of disobedience. He wasn't just accusing; He was revealing the depth of His pain.

And then there was the word "despise." A harsh word, a strong word. But it was the word God chose, the word that reflected how He felt.

After 50 years of attending church, I had to ask myself: Had I been standing at that "how long" juncture with God all along? How many times had my faithless actions, words, and thoughts caused Him to feel despised?

That sermon was a wake-up call. It forced me to confront the gap between my professed faith and my lived reality. It made me realize that true faith isn't just a label; it's a daily, moment-by-moment choice.

It's about trusting God even when we don't understand, obeying Him even when it's difficult.

I left church that day with a heavy heart, but also with a renewed sense of purpose.

I don't want to be a person who merely goes through the motions of faith. I want to be a person who truly believes, who truly trusts, who truly honors God with every aspect of my life.

"How long, O Lord?" It's a question I'll be pondering for a long time to come. But I pray that my answer will be, "Not much longer, Lord. I'm ready to believe.”

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